"Vampires Suck" and "Piranha 3D" Reviews for The Rotten Tomatoes Show on Current

This week I participated in the on-air reviews of "Vampires Suck" and "Piranha 3D" which you may watch HERE and HERE. My full written reviews are below.

Movie Review: "Vampires Suck"

VAMPIRES SUCK
Directed By: Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
Starring: Matt Lantner, Jen Proske, Chris Riggi
No Stars

At a blood-curdling 80 minutes, "Vampires Suck" is like the worst "SNL" sketch you've never seen. A movie length (alleged) parody of the "Twilight" franchise, "Vampires Suck" is devoid of laughs, creativity or anything resembling what most of us would identify as a "motion picture."

Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the men who claim to have "written" and "directed" this snooze-fest, have made a small cottage industry out of slapping together "satires" like "Epic Movie," "Date Movie," "Something Or Other Movie" ad nauseam with a single premise: if we show people something they're familiar with and throw in some other things they're familiar with, they'll laugh!

For example, "Vampires Suck" completely squanders the opportunity to properly skewer the too-serious / angst-ridden vampire mythos, opting instead for a scene by scene retelling of the "Twilight" movies (Edward Sullen! Get it?) with lame references to "Jersey Shore" and the Kardashians shoved in. Memo to these "filmmakers": references are not the same thing as jokes.

Newcomer Jen Proske does a brilliant job of milking Kristen Stewart's well-known mannerisms, which is the only positive thing I have to say about this movie. Matt Lantner is nice enough to look at, but has much more acting to do each week on "90210" and seeing him onscreen just kept reminding me about how much better I like the new "90210" than "Vampires Suck." Chris Riggi, in the Jacob role, is reduced to a single joke: he chases cats! He has a tail! Hilarious! He's a dog!

Arielle Kebbell, so great as the Salvatores old friend on "The Vampire Diaries" and pretty solid as Sam's scheming ex in a recent "True Blood" flashback, has a small role as one of the vampires. You're supposed to think, "Hey! Those three vampires from 'Twilight' DO look like The Black Eyed Peas! Two things I'm familiar with, but shoved together! HILARIOUS!". But instead, I thought, "'True Blood,' 'Vampire Diaries' -- there's so much to go after, why stick mostly with 'Twilight'?"

Basically, here's the bottom line: if the "Naked Gun" movies are the "Citizen Kane" of slapstick satire, then "Vampires Suck" and the rest of this garbage? "Ishtar." Or "Gigli." Take your pick.

MTV: "Piranha 3D" Interviews

I caught up with the cast of "Piranha 3D" and spoke with them about flesh-eating fish, "Dead Alive," "Evil Dead 2," blood, gore, comedy and James Cameron's connection to the, er, "franchise," among other things. Check out my interviews with Jerry O'Connell, Kelly Brook and Paul Scheer HERE, my interviews with Adam Scott, Elisabeth Shue and Steven R. McQueen HERE and my chat with director Alex Aja and producer Mark Canton HERE.

Movie Review: "Piranha 3D"

PIRANHA 3D
Directed By: Alexandre Aja
Starring: Elisabeth Shue, Steven R. McQueen, Jerry O'Connell, Kelly Brook, Adam Scott, Paul Scheer, Ving Rhames, Jessica Szhor, Christopher Lloyd, Richard Dreyfuss, Eli Roth
3 Stars

Attention b-movie directors, take note: "Piranha 3D" gets it exactly right. It's not a comedy, per se, but it's an absolute blast from start to finish that has you laughing along with it instead of at it.

The movie is gorier than anything in the torture porn genre, spills more blood than Jason and throws human beings in the jaws of flesh-eating fish with reckless abandon, but it never feels hateful, nor real. And yet it maintains a nice balance against its more cartoonish impulses as well.

Here's the setup: An earthquake releases prehistoric, flesh-eating piranhas on a lake teaming with hundreds of horny, partying teenagers in a small town protected only by local sheriffs. (The piranhas - both physical and digital - look fearsome, funny and awesome, by the way).

We are introduced to the only two teenagers we'll really care about (one is from "Gossip Girl," the other from "The Vampire Diaries"), the local cops (most notably Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames), seismologists (led by Adam Scott), a sleazy pornographer (Jerry O'Connell), his cameraman (Paul Scheer), his number one babe (Kelly Brook), a local "fish" expert of some kind (Christopher Lloyd) and hundreds of nameless, faceless, half-naked, partying buffoons (one of whom is Eli Roth).

Then we watch most of them get eaten.

I mean, we watch people get eaten in glorious, creative, gratuitous, hilarious and completely absurd ways. Real world rules don't apply, nor should they. People live with injuries that should have killed them instantly if there's a good gag to be had. In the press, Eli Roth has marveled at the amounts of fake blood used in "Piranha 3D" versus "Inglorious Basterds" or "Hostel." And it's all onscreen.

With the wanton glee of Peter Jackson's "Dead Alive" or Sam Raimi's "Evil Dead 2," this movie doesn't pretend to be anything more than advertised, which is precisely it's greatest strength. People are dispensed with by the piranha with abandon, enthusiasm and, bizarrely, even, joy. You may find yourself shrieking in surprise at some of the jolts (and certainly at the overthetop gore), but it's the type of popcorn film where you're sort of rooting for the bad guys (er, fish) at times.

The 3D name-checked in the title destroys "Clash of the Titans" or "Alice In Wonderland." Of course, when you have two naked girls making out underwater, or (spoiler alert) two piranhas fighting over a severed penis with one eventually burping it back up into the camera? Obviously, it's no contest.

Each actor has said they were excited to work with Alexandre Aja, the French film director behind "High Tension" (2003) and the remake of "The Hills Have Eyes" (2006) and watching this movie, you understand why. All of the actors deliver exactly what's expected of them in fine fashion.

O'Connell is having a blast playing someone who definitely isn't Joe Francis from "Girls Gone Wild" (wink, wink), just as Richard Dreyfuss isn't cameo-ing as Matt Hooper from "Jaws", but some other Matt (wink, wink, again!).

You'd think this is the type of movie comedian Scheer would make fun of on VH1, but his mere presence sort of validates it. Adam Scott is great, playing his character with just the slightest self-awareness without going over the top (plus, he does some stunts!). Jessica Szohr and Steven R. McQueen, grandson of you-guessed-it, are plenty good as well. Of course Ving Rhames is badass and Elisabeth Shue is wonderful. In full Doc Brown hysterics, Christopher Lloyd elicited cheers from the audience with every line he delivered. I will fully cop to having a new celebrity crush on Kelly Brook. And I'd like to thank the British for letting us borrow her. Hopefully, she can stay a while.

I have a minor quibble with the movie for putting a couple of little kids in peril, but they both survive (whoops, spoiler alert). As a parent, it made me uncomfortable. But I won't be making any picket signs to protest "Piranha 3D"'s insensitivity, certainly not when I delighted in the rest of it.

Brightly lit, surprisingly fun and with just the right mixture of real effects (courtesy of the Oscar winning KNB Studios -- I've been there!) and digital wizardry (baby piranhas in their shells, neat!), "Piranha 3D" delivers everything anyone could possibly want from a movie called "Piranha 3D."

"Lottery Ticket" & "Middle Men" Reviews for The Rotten Tomatoes Show on Current

This week I participated in the on-air reviews of "Middle Men" and "Lottery Ticket" on "The Rotten Tomatoes Show" on Current TV. You can watch the review of "Middle Men" HERE and the review of "Lottery Ticket" HERE.

Movie Review: "Middle Men"

MIDDLE MEN
Directed By: George Gallo
Starring: Luke Wilson, Giovanni Ribisi, Gabriel Macht, James Caan Jacinda Barrett, Kevin Pollak, Laura Ramsey, Rade Serbedzija, Terry Crews
2 Stars

Internet porn and online billing were invented by two morons and the world's most boring businessman. At least that's the story in "Middle Men," very loosely based on true events.

Luke Wilson stars as a Texas businessman who winds up in Hollywood organizing the business side for two clueless douchebags who stumble into creating online billing and the first big porn startup. The coke-addled, paranoid, worthless duo is played by Giovanni Ribisi and Gabriel Macht.

With the Russian mob, government agents and shady lawyers entering the fray, "Middle Men" indulges itself in crime-movie cliches at the expense of telling a rich, engaging story. There are moments when things get interesting, but they are fleeting. Mostly, "Middle Men" is a mess.

The movie relies heavily on Wilson, who narrates much of it in an almost lifeless voiceover that might as well be a car commercial. I like Luke Wilson, I always have. He's great in "Legally Blonde" and similar supporting roles as the boyfriend or best friend. I'm not sure whether its the material, co-written by director George Gallo, or his performance, but he just isn't magnetic enough to carry this movie. And when "Middle Men" requires him to shoot someone in the foot or threaten to throw James Caan off of a roof? I just wasn't buying it, not even for a second. I'm sorry, Luke.

Wilson's character is a family man who never set out to become a pornographer, but ends up an adulterer, white collar criminal, semi-celebrity, filthy rich and an accessory to murder, to boot. There are no clear motivations for any of his behavior. At one point, in the voiceover, he even says he has no idea why he's made any of the decisions we see him make. That's just lazy moviemaking.

James Caan is of course serviceable as a shady lawyer, just as Kevin Pollak works as a government agent. These are parts these two could play in their sleep. Jacinda Barrett, as Wilson's wife, is the only woman in the film who isn't a stripper or a porn star. She's more of a plot device than a character and it's the same situation for Laura Ramsey as the porn star Wilson shacks up with.

Some kind of points should be awarded to the always likable Terry Crews, or at least his agent, just for his attendance record. He turns up as Luke Wilson's best friend / sort of bodyguard in "Middle Men" just a week before "The Expendables" hit theaters and he's in "Lottery Ticket," too. Of course, "The Expendables" is a blast, "Lottery Ticket" is awful and "Middle Men" is... In the middle.

Despite murder, strippers, porn stars, cocaine and partying, the rise to fame and fortune isn't very exciting nor is the fall all that decadent or humiliating. Luke Wilson's character comes out more or less unblemished (and rich!) despite the misdeeds he sleepwalks through during the movie. "Middle Men" is a lot like porn itself: mildly stimulating, emotionless, dull and far less exciting than you'd thought.

Movie Review: "Lottery Ticket"

LOTTERY TICKET
Directed By: Erik White
Starring: Bow Wow, Brandon T. Jackson, Loretta Devine, Naturi Naughton, Teairra Mari, Mike Epps, Gbenga Akinnagbe, Charlie Murphy, Keith David, Terry Crews, Ice Cube
1 Star

What the crap happened to Ice Cube?

The man whose classic contributions to pop culture include Straight Outta Compton, Death Certificate, "Boyz N' The Hood" and "Friday" co-stars in the lame-brained, boring as hell, stereotype-stuffed "comedy" called "Lottery Ticket," featuring an "all star cast led by Bow Wow" (that's from the press notes), produced by his own Cube Vision production company.

Where did his creative slide begin?"Are We There Yet?" "Torque"? "XXX2"?

Perhaps it was "We Be Clubbin'," the pandering catchphrase track that elicited disbelief from all of us who laughed and cheered when the once defiantly anti-pop icon rapped "you can 'New Jack Swing' on my nuts!" just a few years before. This guy was in "Three Kings," remember?

I don't have any problem with Ice Cube moving forward, spreading his wings, making family films. Heck, "Barbershop" wasn't bad. In fact, it's a perfect example of exactly how to hit the mainstream without sacrificing substance, style or quality. I don't need Ice Cube to be angry all of the time, because that's not realistic. Railing against Cube in a comedy is like complaining about Metallica cutting their hair. Make all of the kid-friendly flicks you want, Cube. JUST MAKE THEM GOOD.

"Lottery Ticket" is not good. "Lottery Ticket" is awful.

Bow Wow plays a teenage Foot Locker employee who buys a lottery ticket worth over $300 million dollars. The problem is that it's Fourth of July weekend, so he can't collect until the following Tuesday (is that how it really works?). Wacky hijinks ensue as the neighborhood learns of his new found riches, as wacky hijinks often do.

It's actually a pretty strong premise for comedy or drama, but the movie doesn't deliver on either level. Visually, music video director Erik White knows how to stage a neighborhood barbeque or show off some Nikes with flair, but the script just sucks.

Maybe the rapper formerly known as "Lil" can act, but since his one-note character doesn't require him to do anything more than react to other people, who knows?

Bow Wow is surrounded by his wise-cracking best friend (Brandon T. Jackson), his kindly Bible thumping grandmother (Loretta Devine), the girl next door he's somehow never thought about romantically (Naturi Naughton), the gold digging hot chick (Teairra Mari) he lusts after, the neighborhood preacher (Mike Epps) who waves a pistol around and loves big houses / big-booty girls, a neighborhood bully (Gbenga Akinnagbe) twice as frightening as Deebo from "Friday" but somehow absolutely boring, the neighborhood gossip (a completely wasted Charlie Murphy, who doesn't say or do anything funny), the neighborhood crime boss (Keith David), the neighborhood crime boss' right-hand man with a heart-of-gold (Terry Crews) and a reclusive old man (Ice Cube).

Somebody should tell Ice Cube that dying his beard gray and speaking with a spotty Southern accent isn't "acting." (I'm not volunteering to tell him that, of course).

There's a scene in "Lottery Ticket" where Bow Wow's friends accompany him to a fancy restaurant and have no idea how to behave, looking confused by the food and generally causing a ruckus. It instantly made me think of Bill O'Reilly. How could Cube allow that scene? It makes "Soul Plane" look progressive. And let's not get into Jackson's reaction to a hot girl.

Back in 1997, Ice Cube rapped alongside Public Enemy on "Burn Hollywood Burn," spitting lines with venom, lines like, "Let's check out a flick that exploits the color," with biting sarcasm. "Many intelligent black men seemed to look uncivilized when on the screen," Big Daddy Kane added.

The comedy in "Lottery Ticket" isn't funny, the social commentary isn't coherent (wearing a suit, letting your friends ride in a helicopter and starting a vague foundation is how you uplift the community, apparently). There is nothing that feels real, interesting, urgent or engaging about this movie whatsoever.

My advice to moviegoers would be to avoid "Lottery Ticket" the way Amerika's Most Wanted should have avoided it himself. I know the guy who wrote those songs and who burst into Hollywood with quality fare like "Boyz N The Hood" and the first "Friday" is still capable of greatness, but he's clearly being lazy. C'mon, Cube!

Longtime Lundgren Lovin'

Did you know Dolph Lundgren was awarded a scholarship to MIT? In celebration of "The Expendables" domination of the box office last weekend, I put together this fun-fact filled tribute to the movie's secret weapon, Dolph Lundgren, for Seen All Over.

Rotten Tomatoes Show On Current: My On-Air Review of "The Expendables"

This week I participated in the on-air review of "The Expendables" on "The Rotten Tomatoes Show" on Current, which you may watch by by clicking here. My full written review is below.

Movie Review: "The Expendables"

THE EXPENDABLES
Directed By: Sylvester Stallone
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Terry Crews, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, David Zayas, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Charisma Carpenter, Giselle Itie
Three Stars

"The Expendables" is the new Sylvester Stallone barnstormer co-starring all of my favorite action heroes from the Wal-Mart DVD cutout bin. Drug lords and Latin American dictators, beware!

This is a shoot-em-up / blow-em-up extravaganza high on nostalgia for '80s action flicks starring many of the men responsible for them. It's one big enthusiastic nod to all of those movies where muscular tough guys shrugged off bullet wounds, made things explode by shooting at them, bedded hot babes to hard rock soundtracks and delivered pithy puns and one-liners the whole way.

Even in some snobby circles, most cinephiles are accepting of "The Terminator," "First Blood" and "Die Hard" (my personal favorite) as genuine classics, but this movie is more of a love letter to those of us who guiltlessly enjoyed "Commando," "Hard To Kill" and "Universal Soldier" as well.

The Expendables are a group of motorcycle riding, hard-living, aging mercenaries who'll take on any small army for the right price. Led by Barney Ross (Stallone, who generously gave all the cool action hero names to everyone else) and his right-hand man, knife-expert Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), the group includes big weapons man Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), drug-addled loose cannon Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren) and hand-to-hand combat expert Ying Yang (Jet Li) -- wait, really, IMDB? His name is Ying Yang? -- the butt of an unending stream of short jokes and co-star of my favorite fight scene in the film. Mickey Rourke is in a few scenes as Tool, an ex-Expendable who now devotes his time to brokering their jobs out of his tattoo shop / headquarters.

A CIA operative summons Ross to a church, where he offers a job to either his team or his biggest competitor / most hated former ally. Did I mention said frenemy is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger? Or that Bruce Willis is said CIA man? Yes, Stallone wrangled his Planet Hollywood partners together for the first time onscreen for a welcome and well played extended cameo.

So what's the job? Take down a Latin American dictator (David Zayas) on a tiny, fictitious island and the rogue CIA agent turned drug dealer (Eric Roberts) who installed him. To do so, The Expendables will have to defeat an army, as well as Roberts' bodyguard - Stone Cold! Willis forgets to mention that the dictator has a hot, rebellious, soulful daughter (played by Giselle Itie, who is hotter than the Giselle you're thinking about), but why bother? I mean, of course he does.

Stallone directed, co-wrote, co-produced and of course stars in "The Expendables." And while he has the most screen time, he walks around with a warm smile that says, "man, this is a blast," and by golly if it isn't infectious. While far from a comedy, this movie doesn't take itself too seriously. And it's clear that every person involved is having a damn good time playing action hero together.

These guys are all still in great shape and take care of business. While cartoony on that action movie level, the stunts look and feel real. The movie doesn't use a bunch of fast cutting that obscures the action, opting instead for the kind of real life fight choreography that resulted in Stone Cold putting Sly in the hospital during production (much as Dolph had done to him in "Rocky IV").

Speaking of Dolph, he stole the show for me. Maybe because I loved him as the original "Punisher," grease paint five o' clock shadow and all, and opposite Brandon Lee in "Showdown in Little Tokyo." He may be having the most fun of all as the most reckless of the bunch. At one point, he calls someone a "cockroach" and a few minutes later, "insect." I hope he's ad-libbing. It felt like it!

The explosions are big, but these aren't Michael Bay explosions. Due to the overall tone of the movie, and probably the budget, these are sort of... Intimate explosions, if you will.

The dialog consists of quips, puns, threats, insults and the very occasional "emotional" diversion as Stallone and Statham (often hanging together) reveal some inner pain. I mean, what else do you want? There's a long monologue from Rourke in the movie that Stallone has said is the emotional anchor upon which the rest of the movie depends. I'd love to see the movie Rourke thought he was in, because he's at his Oscar worthy best for those few minutes (although, in full disclosure, it sure looks like he's reading the monologue from the piece of paper he's supposedly sketching on).

As a dedicated Buffyverse devotee, I have to mention that one of my major celebrity crushes, Charisma Carpenter, is not only in "The Expandables" as Statham's love interest, but she's scantily clad, to boot. This may be the first time I've mentioned something like this in a film review. But, I mean, it's "The Expendables." If I can't be A FULL BLOWN GUY when I talk about it, when can I be? (I'd feel tacky posting the picture I just looked at on my blog, but I'll link to it).

At the Comic-Con panel (which I covered for MTV), somebody asked Stallone if there were any action stars he wanted for this movie that he couldn't get. He said yes, mentioning Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris by name. He said some of them couldn't make it due to scheduling conflicts, while others couldn't make it due to "insanity." God, I love Sly!

To summarize, this movie is big, dumb fun. And if you walk in expecting nothing more, you'll have a blast. This isn't "The Bourne Identity" nor is it "Casino Royale." Nor should it be. It's "The Expendables," dammit! And it's a blast.

Movie Review: "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World"

SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD
Directed By: Edgar Wright
Starring: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin, Chris Evans, Ellen Wong, Anna Kendrick, Aubrey Plaza, Brandon Routh, Jason Schwartzman
Four Stars

Not since "Snakes on a Plane" had my enthusiasm about seeing a movie diminished so quickly in the run-up to its release. With all of the Comic-Con screenings, the scenes online, the hardcore push to the nerd elite, etc., I was tired of "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" two weeks before I saw it.

I sat down expecting to watch a comic adaptation that was hyper-stylized, ultra-hipster, filled with video game geek culture references and generally too in love with itself. And while that is exactly what I saw, I laughed my ass off the whole time and loved every minute of it.

Never has a comic book been brought to life in such a literal, visual, visceral fashion like this - not "300," not even "Sin City" - with captioned asides and simulated comic panels galore. And the loving nods to NES era gaming are in equal and welcome abundance, in both story and style.

Director Edgar Wright, who discovered Bryan Lee O'Malley's story while doing the press tour for his brilliant "Shaun of the Dead," attacks the material with giddy exuberance. The source material, about a Canadian slacker who must fantastically defeat his new love interest's seven evil-exes in order to continue dating her, is rendered with as much reverence for Nintendo, Sega Genesis, Dance Dance Revolution, record stores, movies, coffee, Toronto and indie rock as it is comic books.

The movie moves along like an old-school Nintendo game (the original "Castlevania" was my favorite) as Scott Pilgrim powers through various "levels" of sorts against various "bosses" (exes), each confrontation including a "Street Fighter"-esque "vs" squaring off. When an ex is vanquished, they disintegrate into a pile of coins of varying degrees of value. There are weapons earned and lessons learned, but never at the expense of the movie's bodacious good time.

One of the things the movie instantly gets right (and the press gets wrong) is that the characters aren't just nerds and geeks, or even hipsters, but scenesters. They dominate a parallel universe most folks still don't realize exists. If you chuckle in the theater when Michael Cera, as the title character, is described as a lady killing Lothario, you've clearly never been part of any type of "scene" or hung out with anybody who plays in a band. Too skinny? Too smarmy? Never!

A lot of folks have complained that Cera basically plays himself in every movie. But I find that if the movie is good (check), the supporting cast capable (check) and the material strong (the story is decent enough, with the style making up for its failings), watching Cera play a variation on the same character doesn't bother me at all. Molly Ringwald. Andrew McCarthy. Judd Nelson. Hello?

Throughout the story, Scott Pilgrim can be a jerk (especially to women), which is one of the sly and subtle reasons that Wright was genius to cast Cera, because we still like him, even then.

There are a lot of young actor folks in this movie and they're all believable, or at least as believable as they can be in a picture that never once asks you to believe it's real (and in doing so, tricks you with a few moments of authenticity that trump lesser movies operating without superpowers).

Mary Elizabeth Winstead plays Pilgrim's object of affection, Ramona Flowers. She's attractive in a way that everyone who has been part of a "scene" will recognize and has dated at least seven people without coming across as slutty or indecisive, just cool and human. Aloof, mysterious, hard to pin down, sarcastic, looks awesome in thigh high stockings... I'm sorry, where was I?

The rest of the girls in the movie are fantastic in their own right, particularly Ellen Wong as Knives Chau, Anna Kendrick as Scott's sister and the always badass Aubrey Plaza as Julie Powers. Ex-Superman Brandon Routh has some great moments as a bass playing rival powered by veganism (!), Scwhartzman is great as the final bad guy (who gets Pilgrim's own band to briefly turn on him - with a record deal!), but Kieran Culkin steals the movie from the ensemble as Pilgrim's pithy best friend, who lets him crash at his pad and even share his bed (next to his multiple male lovers).

The rhythm and pace of "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" is very much its own. It's manic without making you tired. It never stops, but because all of the jokes are great, all of the visual gags are creative, and all of the actors stay on their toes, it's exhilarating rather than exhausting. And there's something about the colors and the (3-D free!) effects that dazzled me while making me think about candy, for some reason. Yes, "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" looks delicious.

"Shaun of the Dead" remains the best rom-zom-com ever made (ahem) and I loved "Hot Fuzz," Edgar Wright's similarly devoted love letter to genre films (action movies, in that case) where the genre conventions are handled straight-on and the comedy is never condescending nor broad. Watching Wright make magic once again, and in a different way, with "Scott Pilgrim," gets me that much more pumped up for the "Ant-Man" movie he's supposed to make for Marvel. Bring it on!

To check out what the cast (and Wright) had to say about making the movie, click here for my MTV report on the "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" panel at this year's San Diego Comic-Con.